千年之恋

谁在悬崖沏一壶茶
温热前世的牵挂
而我在调整千年的时差
爱恨全喝下
岁月在岩石上敲打
我又留长了头发
耐心等待海岸线的变化
大雨就要下
风狠狠的刮
谁在害怕

海风一直眷恋着沙
你却错过我的年华
错过我新长的枝丫
和我的白发

蝴蝶依旧狂恋着花
你却错过我的年华
错过我转世的脸颊
你还爱我吗
我等你一句话

一生行走望断天崖
最远不过是晚霞
而你今生又在哪户人家
欲语泪先下
沙滩上消失的浪花
让我慢慢想起家
曾经许下的永远又在哪
总是放不下
啊轮回的记忆在风化
我将它牢牢记下

——by 信乐团

如果我清楚

这么多年来，我如果什么都没有长进的话，有一件事我还是学会了，就是不要让自己受到伤害。特别是在雪下这么大的时候，雪球很容易越滚越大，然后吃力地举起来，发现砸到了自己的脚。是不是很shitty。Anyway，我开始进入自己冬眠的老年生活。

Merry Christmas!

上帝啊

我应该怎么做？
option 1：应该继续和他们进行所谓的合作？
option 2：可以选择把这个计划卖给他们？
option 3: 完全对他们不搭理？
你们太容易欺负人了！

My Dear God

我的眼泪不是白流的，一分钟后修理工到达，30秒内拯救我们的黑暗世界。
个人认为长得像George Clooney的准房东是可靠的。毕竟他不只是一句fantastic。也许在他看来我们俩个外国女孩儿这方面比较逊，但是我没有理由一定要不逊，对吧。
感谢上帝让我们如此久经考验，终于白骨修成，幻化成仙。

尘世•爱情

突然觉得那一回，应改作：
尘世•爱情

城市•爱情

朋友说这样的题目很cliche。我完全不否认这种的可能性，但同时告诉他们，我是绝对不写cliche的，不仅是自我不允许，更重要的是cliche不在我的词典中。关于“老套” “俗气”的定义，本来就是老套俗气的。

我打算告诉他们内容，结果让自己十分纠结于如何简明扼要出一个“中心思想”...最后还是挑了一个最不典型的情节说：在相遇n小时候后，他企图用做爱的方式去了解她，而她却孩子游戏般的躲闪掉。她让他明白复制后便失去了aura。

接着朋友问那城市呢？我答，不知道，没有城市，抑或更恰当地说city invisible。

其实，严格意义上，这首先不是一个典型的爱情故事。没有你浓我浓，主人公甚至没有心跳加速，只有平淡的交谈，甚至是一种不平衡对话。知道的永远比被知道的少，而渴求永远不能被满足。在这也正算是某种人与城市的关系，以为自己身临其境，却往往不得要领，却往往犹抱琵琶半遮面。企图居高临下，试图洞穿心腹，殊不知曾看到的所捕捉到的早已失去。唯一存在的，便是那一刻无法复制的切肤之感。

够了，这就是故事，没有中心思想，不是爱情，无关城市。
生活，城市中，爱情仍是爱情。

雨夜

今天我哭了，像孩子一样的哭了。

从伦敦回来一路上不知为什么就开始反胃。也许是4小时考G的后果，也许是3小时车程的颠簸。总之，一切才形成的和以前积聚的郁闷都在我跌倒在地后的5分钟终于混着雨水和斜风慢慢地流出。

我在路上走着。这入冬的英伦4点钟就早早地进入黑暗，最近又总是反复着疾风骤雨的脾气。我一个人走在路上，没有办法打伞。头发和围巾被吹斜到像是从地上飘来附在我身上的叶子。路灯影子下的我突然被狂风一震，难道我真像他们说的一样风一吹就倒吗。这条路上就我一个人走着，用着平时二分之一的速度，却怀揣着比任何时候都迫切的归家之情。我恨了自己。

我恨自己为什么让自己身处异地，为什么让自己的生活如此地不安定，并且还要为了将来能继续游走流浪继续居无定所入不敷出的生活去奔波。我都二十好几老大不小的人了还要玩高中生的游戏，去考试。回想以前多么毅然决绝坚定为精神上的追求而舍弃唾手可得的安逸，而到最后还是要面对生活的残酷。这偷得的一年闲又如何？虚无缥缈得人和事继续在几万公尺以外空中楼阁着，与我何干？而我的生活却落得千疮百孔。难道这真是我为自己活了吗？以前羡慕的思想自由，热情宣泄，还以为自己多么追求。那么高的知识追求又如何？不过是我认识你你认识我后，你又稍稍看得起我我当然愿意附和你，然后大家在一起作一场戏，然后彼此褒贬，彼此对台，彼此谈笑风生。以为这便是崇尚了世界艺术。

再一想，安逸又有何不妥？安逸让我不用千方百计说着他人的母语，以为自己能被认同。安逸其实也是一种可以追求的生活状态。它可以让我得到安全，获得另一种开始。没有绝对的失去，只是相对不同的途经。人一生为什么不去尝试不同的方式呢？如果生活需要万般试验，那么安逸同样也是一种。我不愿意在三十五岁还像某人一样穿着带孔的毛衣，或者积蓄空空到没法付房租，或者需要休学打工来生存。我承认自己没有那样的勇气，同时并不会满意这样的自己。

多少人几乎不明白这样一个简单明了的事实：我是中国人，我说中文，我的家在中国的那个城市。我即使是一个世界的孩子，也不属于这个地方。请不要理所应当地用我“暂居此处”抹杀掉我“随时消失”的能力。我需要离开，不许要理由，也不许要报告。

在我跌倒的那一瞬间，我告诉自己，我需要那一部车，我需要那一套房子，我需要那一个平凡的生活。生活里，我依靠一个可以回归的家，家里有平常的一桌菜，和那位可以在我跌破的伤口上涂酒精碘酒的人，然后他再揉着我瘀青的膝盖说：“没事，晚上睡觉你别对着我躺伤口就不疼了。”

请相信，安逸不等于安乐死，真的。

我回到家，室友被近乎哇哇作哭地我惊住了，抱着我叫我别哭。

Scorpio (22/11/09)

"It could take a lot to get you to go anywhere today, for you might rather stay at home and let the rest of the world go by. Your inner experience is much more important to you now than running around with your friends. The magic of finding something meaningful by yourself or with your family is what brings true spiritual value into your life."

Above is what I call destiny.
What the hell am I doing here?

Love

Only if the advertisement were not starred by Keira Knightley

Some Like It Hot (for Jack Lemmon)

Happy Birthday

Present 1: From M, a pack of carton stickers
Present 2: Housemate S wrote "Happy Birthday" on the mirror in the bathroom and it is the biggest surprise ever when I saw it the moment I went into brush my teeth. Also a silver envelope is next to it. (Though it is one day ahead)
Present 3: Call from my father. He said his birthday is on 30th, so he thought mine is one 30th. I told him I thought his birthday is on 31st because mine is on 31st.
Present 4: Dinning out with S.
Present 5: The letter from housemate S: a tear-triggering letter, a Buddhist protection, a pair of earrings she has worn before
Present 6: Birthday wishes from Ben & Sal.
Present 7: a painting from Sal to come based on questions below:
- favorite color: navy blue
- favorite artist: Salvador Dali
- favorite painting: Melting clock
- favorite pastime: reading
- favorite animal: piggie
- favorite place:dessert/Bristol

Thanks for people above. You made me treasure my life.
There should always be a thanks for my dearest MOM. I love you. It's because of your bravery that I can have my life.

Forever Fred Astaire

心情不好的时候，居然放上了这样一段视频，估计是物极必反吧。。。

Unexpected calm

Sophia on her way to fundraising!
Damn it...
Have fun!

恍如一世

这是一个七日，重复反复颠覆

“你是我唱到喉咙沙哑 未完成的歌
何必再听过之后冷冷笑我”
—— XZQ《未完成的歌》

忆

后悔。

奇怪，以往总是第一时间冲出口的那个愿望却在那一刻哽咽在喉。结果被人捷足先登，说了出来。我失去了impress任何人的机会，却被他人impress。

最近回想起来，我怕是爱上了某人的那一句愿望，爱上了某人描述这个愿望时的语气，在记忆中如纱般滑过肌肤的柔。

可谁又能时刻记起...

Barbican

终于去到了传说中的Barbican，朝拜了那个神圣的地方。下决心还是11月要去看Ulysses, 于是被人说我geeky...可这正是电影的精妙之处。

p.s.:前天看了Billy Wilder的 The Apartment ——是楼下那人自称的 favorite (当然不知道有没有Carlsberg作祟的成分)。不过确实是一部很sweet的电影，里面的男主人公也的确是我见过的one of the sweetest boys.

最近很想看的电影导演或演员的作品摘录如下：
Jacques Demy
Afred Astair
The Hungarian Cinema

喜欢

喜欢上一个认识六小时的人；
喜欢上这个相见却不相识一年的人；
喜欢上这个将永不相见的人。

Auld Lang Syne for "The Apartment" (1960)

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

On

The theme of this upcoming week: waiting...

before the project kicks off!

A film I hope to screen for CITY EYE, should the project be funded.
fingers crossed!

Dorian Gray

Since when bi-sexuality is a moral issue...

Now you see me, now you don't

Loyalty to Cinema

After two days' work, I discovered my sincere love for cinema/film, even though this kind of love will be suppressed or doubted temporarily by the appalling dissertation writing season. I am still a person inhabiting cinema, and finding comfort in that empty chair, which according to my supervisor is "the greatest moment" in film history.

p.s. for Miss M, a test - do you happen to know "the empty chair moment" I'm talking about - which film it is from?

Upcoming one

Last night I dreamt about you (maybe again). After all those pretensions we put on as if "I don't know you and you don't know me," we watched fireworks together, we had a party together, we laughed together, we watched a film together, and we sat side by side. Then, someone pushed me to you, but you ignored everything, looking into an unknown distance, saying:"yes, she is the one. We were together XX years ago."

"You know me?"
"Of course, I know you. You are the one XX years ago. And why are you following me?"
"..."

I cannot say anything, but look at you. I have been longing for a look at you, just a pure good look at you.

"We were together," are you saying
"We used to be in love," are you saying
"I used to love you," are you saying
"You did love me."

I know you don't like it, neither do I. But the only thing that can stop me
is just a pure look at you, if it is true that
"We used to be in love XX years ago."

除了灵魂我还能给你什么

我知道，我生就是为了来遇你的
这几万里的海洋
我鬼使神差一念之间地跨过了，而你也跨过了
我不宿命，也不需要宿命
我只遵循我心里的声音
她告诉我，是你
那个以灵魂与我相遇的人
那个让我敢舍生命以求的人是你

--《人间四月天》

Returns

- Have you heard of this when you were there? Have you ever seen one of his films?
Have you ever missed the feeling of an alienate country with alienate language? You
would always be fascinated by the people around you, would you? Will you...etc.
- ... (echoing)



If the cat returns, then...

Misconnection

Art and Loss Register

听老板说他们有NY的office。于是我要好好干，套套近乎，让我去NY。

走路去也可以的。

Anew

搬家后的第一天，一个生活从此在脚下走。
A life begins in transit, without me without you.

a-你

如果我是你，换若你是我

a-你

锦瑟华年，此情惘然

a-你

诗人的情人，并不如烟的往事。

a-你

乍暖还寒时，最难将息

你

谈笑风生，过眼烟云

你

行云流水，随心所欲

你

陌生失忆，交错离去

你

失而复得，忽远忽近

你

得之我幸，不得我命。

月光

月光色女子香

泪断剑情多长

有多痛无字想

忘了你

孤单魂随风荡

谁去想痴情郎

这红尘的战场

千军万马有谁能称王

过情关谁敢闯

望明月心悲凉

千古恨轮回尝

眼一闭谁最狂

这世道的无常

注定敢爱的人一生伤

(-胡彦斌)

遥远

剑煮酒无味

饮一杯为谁

你为我送别

胭脂香味

能爱不能给

天有多长

地有多远

你是英雄就注定无泪无悔

这笑有多危险是穿肠毒药

这泪有多么美只有你知道

这心没有你活着可笑

这一世英名我不要

只求换来红颜一笑

这一去如果还能轮回

我愿意来生做牛马

也要与你天涯相随

(-胡彦斌)

长久的幻想，如果可以，我定然选择生活在乱世。

不做文人骚客客卿大夫，更不做争霸英雄昙花红颜

我或剑客侠士或击筑吹萧

尘土怠尽后

风中游走，山间出没

存一野人之名

存一野人之幸

You'll never understand

To B&S:

I'm sorry, but I'm just terrified by the fact that I have many friends and colleagues here. I'm terrified by the network I somehow found myself 'trapped' in, even though it's a positive one. I cannot see myself when I try to see myself. I saw myself in relation to others. This means too much responsibilities, but I'm a person unable to commit to this too much too long relation. This pure fact just terrifies. So, I have to leave. With all my love to you.

醒

杂

迫不及待地想要这个星期过去，我要抛开所有关于理论写作论证的关心，写一个剧本。

想了很就的一个没有故事的故事，依靠先锋派的暧昧画面和模棱两可的空间表现，我需要一个极端的关于place/space的故事。也许相关命运，也许相关宿命，更也许什么都不相关，因为所有最被期待的事情从来都不会发生，所有的意外从来不会落空。

这是一个关于期待所不能期待的故事。我告诉外面行走的路人，请你小心，也许你这一步不小心就相关了一只蚂蚁。它正挣扎着要从泥土中脱身。我应该安排你带走它送它一程或者安排你随带一粒沙压在了可怜的它身上，于是它要从头再来。

这是一个不需要排比的故事。重复着重复，所有的强调和刻意让画面的韵律沉重。一笔划过，一抹酒红，笔尖一点，翠绿一滴。将这油纸首位相接，一把牛毛雨中鲜艳。窄巷的两壁送来谁缥缈半空的裙边，是低吟的童谣还是一个撩起回音的符号。

这是没有开始的故事，你请落笔，只写不出诸侯，描不出红颜，不忍死别，更不胜生离。

画面里的两脚在历史的那一秒停住，我听你说一段生色不一的书：

Solitude

听着Ryuichi Sakamoto的Solitude, 哭了。

When nonsense is making its way to meaningful discourse...

Chapter 2

2.1 Bodily Measurement

- streetwalking

- repetition / absence

- confrontation

2.2 From Inhabitation to Intimacy

I'm not making sense, am I?

我也许笨，但我不是白痴

I'm easy, but not EASY easy.

me and my sixth sense

我能感觉X，只是时间不对

Howl's Moving Castle

鬼使神差地看了Howl's Moving Castle, 告诉朋友说很好，收到回信说那是他love的导演。当然我是因为不看动画片所以对 Miyazaki先生没感。回信中还说他最喜欢Spirited Away and Ocean Spray,我突然想起原来当天早上在我supervisor办公室也有这位先生的海报，supervisor很是激动地说这是他的favorite，打扫好了杂乱的办公室要将海报高挂！于是我结论到除了这电影和电影人本来是masterpiece的魅力不可挡之外，现在的男人更容易看anime并且被感动。朋友回信的最后问到某某天他过生日，是否可以光临。于是我跑遍了B城所有可能卖电影海报的地方，也没有找到和supervisor所有那张一样的海报 （他兴奋地说是从amazon上刚收获到的）。所以我放弃了，最后退而求其次地买了Spirited Away的DVD。其实这本不是明智之举，可能他已经拥有了，可能他的电脑RC后不能播放，可能了很多。。。终于最后送了出去。结果，

TMD，对方激动到把酒杯放下，双手捧着说，这是他的最爱但是自己却没有买，并且confirm欧洲的RC和此国一样。表情像一个小孩子一样，连续说谢谢近30秒，说的我都不好意思到像是我欠了谁的。介于人多眼杂，我觉得本人还是需要像幼稚园的阿姨般“温柔地”劝到，同学您可不可以不要再说了，我受不了了，都XX岁了还这么像个孩子。结果对方来一句，那怎么了我就是一个孩子。好吧，您孩子但我不是Miyakazi。

最近和朋友在cafe里遇见supervisor，突然友人说他很gay。我极力反驳到不会啊，他只是很真而已。

男人，分很多种，而我只愿分谁在你面前多一分真谁在你面前多装一次B。

reading list

其实不止一万遍地对自己承认说读理论过多绝对是要精神空虚的，于是我现在就空虚了，即使是面对着自己热爱的理论。如果那天我真成了某个理论的successor，我相信一定是non-place.

很可怕地发现从电影开始的第一个镜头我就告诉自己，这个establishing shot做作了，这个pov没有达到效果...最后的结论是这个导演的镜头感太平平，且都不说narrative了。（观Frozen River后第一感）

突然觉得自己离来的那个文化太遥远了，怀念用自己母语表达出来的思想、哲学、和牢骚。不知道non-place翻译出来是怎样的一个模式，如何的变异是无法想像的，就如同Yi-fu Tuan我都是花了10分钟才能确认这家伙还正是个中国人，还存活着，还继续影响着。

不过，还是请有心人给我个reading list吧，拯救拯救我理论化的灵魂！

Deadline is calling...

Sophia it's fine, and you will be fine.

I suddenly found myself so bad at doing critical summary, maybe it's just because I couldn't even understand what the hell these people are talking about. The flatness two-dimensinal haptic (Antonia Lant), and the Touch of Memory through body (Luara Marks)...OMG, give me a break...I think comparatively speaking, I would prefer Bruno. At least, she is (neo-)realism, and cinematic, and three-dimensional and emotional.

The Power of Suggestion

期待已久的见面是终于见了，然后整个人像是失去中心一般就点着头，然后在不是很适当的时候说出了自己的意见，然后慢慢反悔说还是同志们说的对，小的我“头一遭”。最后，在大家都能量脑力怠尽的时候，我们终于说出了“再见”和“保持联系”的字眼。尽管我从来喜欢看到事情的阴暗面，但是不得不说我们已经起步了，并且前途光明，如果我们坚持努力奋勇前进，并且我能不断自我鼓励。

M.P.: We are doing good.

S: Don't worry, Sophia, you are getting there.

Ball is rolling, for God's sake.

A Hobby

I think I should pick up that hobby again and go on taking pictures of the world and people.

Sometimes, this is the only way I keep my love for this life.

The Age of Stupid

What are we? Twelve!

Now, I totally understand why the older people grow, the less they are supposed to talk, because they are supposed to grow wiser. This is what I should now learn to do because there are so many f**king people bored and inclined to gossip. And they will never grow up, and never know how to respect others' privacy even they are much much older than me.

I'm done with this high school scenario. You are out of my book for good, no matter how good we used to be. This is what you get when you challenged me bottom line.

The Age of Stupid.

On my way to the First Chapter

For the sake of my own insanity, I decide to give the reduced partial outline as to save my life:

Chapter One: HC in DB

1.1 HV and B

- His.

- HV in DB

1.2 HV and Spa

- From B to S

- B in C

Then, please fill in the rest of the chapter...with your incredible imagination

Old similar scenario

The old similar scenario shouldn't work when I'm getting old.

有一种别人给的勇气

也许是嫌生活还不够慌乱，某天清晨，当还处于情醒的边缘时，我告诉自己要在这个星期开始申请PhD。以前飘飘渺渺的话是说了很多，每当被人问起此项计划进行得怎样时，我总是有限期的滞后，借口说自己忙不过来。现在，当我真是忙不过来的时候，却偏偏跟自己过不去。不得不承认自己已不再是自己的动力。于是当Supervisor的热情感动，激动，鼓动我时，我才明白原来自己一直是被期待着的。于是，为了结束，我决心提前开始。给自己少一点的时间，多一点的忙碌，让日子一瞬间过去。这一页翻去后，我也终于前进。

Therapeutic Tranquillity

as follows:
Pottery painting
Turkish cuisine
Organ Concert & Greek Salad
Ben's purple suite
Tarek's Birthday
Beethoven's 9th. Symphony

谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我

我自顾自地走
我忘了看着谁

Good night and Good morning.

喜欢安静的生活

喜欢
（张悬）

片段中有些散落
有些深刻的错
还不懂这一秒钟
怎么举动怎么好好地和谁牵手

那寂寞有些许不同
我挑着留下没说
那生活还过分激动
没什么我已经以为能够把握

而我不再觉得失去是舍不得
有时候只愿意听你唱完一首歌
在所有人事已非的景色里
我最喜欢你

片段中有些散落
有些深刻的错
还不懂这一秒钟
怎么举动怎么好好和你过

那寂寞有些许不同
我挑着留下没说
那生活还过分激动
没什么我已经以为能够把握

你知道你曾经让人被爱并且经过
毕竟是有着怯怯但能给的沉默
在所有不被想起的快乐里
我最喜欢你

而我不再觉得失去是舍不得
有时候只愿意听你唱完一首歌
在所有人事已非的景色里
我最喜欢你

而我不再觉得
而我不再觉得

Mary says...

一个eventful的周末后，我终于度过了好好好安静的一个下午，完成了一个pottery painting,在一个small mug上画了一架钢琴，送给要过生日的朋友。

当终于收到某个programmer和某个co-coordinator 的 positive 回应后，我的整个周五下午都处于esctasy的状态中，直到凌晨3点。原来那个时候的人都是兽性的，除了那些得到过长久良好教养的同志。我于是也在众人兽性的咄咄窥视下艰难地装着B，以求逃脱。周六的流言蜚语终于在我苦苦等待了4个小时后以一男人般的决绝得以澄清。 我说了一些貌似果断洒脱且不绝对正确的话，对方认真地听得不知所云，毕竟在那个时候，即使是受过长期良好教养的人，在连续奋N台pool后和Beck's之后也有晕菜得凶。谁可以颠覆昼夜？

不休不眠的是我们的心脏，而你却不听他的话。你偏偏和自己和别人装傻充愣，顺延着所谓的安全界限和成规教养玩弄自己的睡眠和脑细胞。做的是手，想的是心，心手不一——这就是你我的现状。

Mary says

感

1. 给有关人士email一般要3天以后才能期待得到回复，并且回复的内容不是说肯定或者否定，而是说最近太忙还没有来得及过目；
2. 当有关人士终于扫视了一边之后，十分诚恳地答应与你面谈，于是时间为某一天上午某一个小时某个角落+only；
3. 后来得知，其实花几个星期才回email的有关人士才正常，我已经是备受礼遇了!
4. 于是，我才知道感恩与‘不知廉耻’,‘随时随地', '竭尽夸张’地甩卖自己的idea!

好听

在惊醒之前我又梦见了亲爱的Michaele。你还是那样和蔼并且怕着你的女朋友。有时我问自己到底是想念了你的什么？突然就渴望曾经那样可以放纵且被宽容的肆无忌惮。你永远有丰足的时间来体谅我的焦躁不安，你永远站在我的这边接受我无边的幻想。我待在你身边就像是稳稳地靠在一个不那么明亮的镜子旁边，我睡在模糊地‘像’里面，感觉被暖暖地包围着。有时候我也讨厌你玩世不恭地态度，埋怨你常常总那 么容易顺从，可我也贪图地用你的慷慨来固定我的生命，从来也没有想过有一天这一切都是空的。就是像是那天在我遇见人生的第一个噩梦后，我躲在你的房间，和你们待了一夜，你们玩PS，我看着电视。因为你的幼稚和温柔，我突然就不害怕了，就算是我的手指被夹在门缝中，被你们像宝儿一样的呵护着，哄着。那晚，你陪着不省人事的我坐在pentry里面，从凌晨3点开始听我絮叨抱怨甚至绝望地哭诉着我的爱情。那晚，你说了第一句让我刻骨铭心的话，你说不要这样，要两腿发软的我自己站起来，要我坚强。记得走之前的那一夜，我还纠结于宿命中另一些的悲哀，于是明明白白地对你说，我们回去后大家就注定要疏远，我彷乎感觉到在一夜间我注定要失去了一个他和一个你。

原来今天是你的生日，我却从来不曾对你说生日快乐，就算是3年前的那刻。

于是我们都忘记

（我真希望能写些什么东西，但是却无从下笔，有情绪没思绪）

Listening to whose heart?

为什么不是牛津就是剑桥阿，这生活没法过了。

全是相似的面孔？还是只在我眼中一切都固执地没有前进，永远停留？

朋友说要长大，可我偏偏用长不大的举止来伪装一颗想老的心脏。如果存活的最终结是死亡，那么我宁愿抛弃一切欲望，奢望奔跑到最远处，那里也许有一丝光亮。

可惜，这一段却是沙漠旅行，为了生存人变得对自己残酷，对自己背叛。

我路过了你的你，路过了你的我
这满山的红叶绚烂
我路过了我的你，路过了我的我
一抹闪亮是绿洲的霞光

独自苍老

Diary sucks

于是我又一次没有意外地受挫了，这样的事件将在以后的三个月内无以计数地发生着，而我还是要坚持做一个顽强的斗士，永远地努力尝试着，等待着我的亲爱的S来到我旁边的小镇。

世事循环，当我应该要离开的时候，她来了，于是我也不走了。若不是这样，我可能也没有如此坚定执着地要在这个城市待下去，毕竟对于一个企图波西米亚的人‘总是离开’才是生存和生活地方式。不过，即使是S同学来了，我也是要离开的，只是想着有个地方可以回了，因为她在那儿。

这算是这个漫长的Essay writing season中一点激动和兴奋吧，也给我了坚持以下几个月的信心。

话说这周五要去Hye-on-Wye,一个传说中有30个bookshop的小镇。当地的小姐很热心不尽给我找了一个room，于是我不用camping着回味自己的cultural shock，而且还把安放在了press office，所以我也能真正地做点更有用的事儿。我想着是否找寻点礼物给予她小姐捏？

今天帮助Ben同志改论文，真的是很是帮忙的说，陪了整整一天的说，谁叫他用一种几乎giving up hope的语气。在proofread了四遍之后还亲自上手改写句子，甚至该给他弄in-text的reference。他说他从来没有这样被人上过English Lecture，我说这也太傻逼了吧，到底谁是native-speaker啊...说实话，真不是道他是如何在如此糟糕的reference的状态下存活的，不过读了他的论文会还真认为他应该继续拍电影，别再写东西了- quoted from Ben...
关于他话说要在play zombie的时候幻想我的death，这样的Best friend不要也罢啊...

其实我觉得Christina是可怜的。她说她满足在tripod中生活着，可是她却不知道我这一脚已经不在她的所谓tripod中了。只有Ben在场的时候，我才会主动和她hang out，否则，她永远都不可能hear from me. 那天跟Micheala说她真是没有什么朋友啊除了这个tripod之外，而且就算有也是两个不怎么交往的美国人。如果我不听她，她就真的没人可说了，不然就是和美国的朋友打电话。可是，我不是Jesus Christ，我没有博爱，没有将别人的快乐建立在自己的痛苦之上的伟大与高尚，所以不好意思，我没有时间对付你，请你自觉。你愿意说就说，但是我不会听，更不会respond。今天有同学跑来给我说，‘Now she is in Germany, so you are alone.’怎么听上去这么奇怪的一句话，她走了我既不高兴也不难过，完全没感觉的说。可是大家都错误地认为了一
个。。。

Anyway,我完全期待在H-O-W的10天，给我点时间离开Brizzle去接近另一部分的Britain，认识些新的朋友，也许有一些新的connection，有人可以打线牵桥之类，就不用让我这么辛苦的说。

M说想和我meet properly, not bumping into each other randomly with the presence of Steven. Steven是个好同志，也是个knowledgeable的通知，可是总是觉得他生分的，难以接近的，这样的人我碰不动，坚定了一个。

当然除了这所有所有生活的琐事之外，有一件除了dissertation writing的大事我还在努力地做着，就算是我的summer project: ASW。如果真的做成了，有一个人将是第一个知道的，就算我永远上不了那位同志的网站，就算那位同志再也没有用那个email address，就算那个同志已经部分永久性地失忆，但是我remember everything in a surrealistic way.

当我们还在徘徊时

这两天晚上都这样的昼夜颠覆，没有心情睡觉也没有力气醒来。
太阳温暖地在窗外宣泄着，而我拉上窗帘，憎恶这样的快乐。
不久前听了些感性的，浪漫的诗句，我突然觉得自己处错了地方。
异乡的语境，怎能表达诗性：

锦瑟 --李商隐

锦瑟无端五十弦，一弦一柱思华年。
庄生晓梦迷蝴蝶，望帝春心托杜鹃。
沧海月明珠有泪，蓝田日暖玉生烟。

此情可待成追忆，只是当时已惘然。

采桑子 --纳兰性德

谁翻乐府凄凉曲？风也萧萧，雨也萧萧，瘦尽灯花又一宵。
不知何事萦怀抱，醒也无聊，醉也无聊，梦也何曾到谢桥。

渔家傲 --李清照

天接云涛连晓雾，星河欲转千帆舞；彷佛梦魂归帝所，闻天语，殷勤问我归何处。

我报路长嗟日暮，学诗漫有惊人句；九万里风鹏正举，风休住，蓬舟吹取三山去。

江城子 乙卯正月二十日夜记梦 --苏轼

十年生死两茫茫。不思量，自难忘。千里孤坟，无处话凄凉。纵使相逢应不识，尘满面，鬓如霜。

夜来幽梦忽还乡。小轩窗，正梳妆。相顾无言，惟有泪千行。料得年年肠断处，明月夜，短松冈。

一江春水向东流。。。

出路

“贪恋嗔痴”的密咒

Another reason...

'I refuse to advertise myself as a commodity for others' entertainment.' --friend Sophie

'I would love to communicate with your versatile voices and tones not with your dead impersonal words.' --Sophia

--Reason to quit Facebook

Third Person

Sophia believes when God shuts one window, he opens another door for you.
Sophia tends to believe she has the basic senses of making right friends.
Sophia is willing to believe that she has the power to work out a better life.
Sophia prefers to speak in Third Person.

If there is one reason that I can tell...

Sophia is in the process of detoxification. Please, no social harassment . Thanks for corporation.

Hypothesis out

'If I were you' shouldn't be a hypothesis, because quintessentially 'I am not you and you will never be me.'

Unavoidable

'Eye contact should be avoided' --J'taime Paris.

'Football should be avoided' -- Sophia

I successfully got a job - though a temporary one

Dare you try

If you try any harder, let's see what I will come up with!

Travel plan

May: if not London, will go to Exeter & Plymouth
June: definitely London, for someone's graduation ceremony
July: Dublin & Cardiff
August: Manchester & Lake District
September: hopefully I won't have to go back home, but to some other wonderland!

For the record,

For the record, I am working on the bourgeois! Why&How a working-class girl like me wanna/can get a bourgeois life?

There is a whole lot of stories stemming from my trip to Scotland, or in Edinburgh per se.

Life needs struggle, but tricky struggle as well.

Stories to come, to fill in, to live out.

For Ben

突然好心情，和朋友2小时，绕着城市走。

伦敦，巴黎，琉球，我是一支流浪狗。

他说生活待定，我的爱情未续。

什么长久，没有保佑。

说再见，来怀恋。

放手，追逐。

尽头

Non-place -- Everywhere/Nowhere

Today, I was talking to my supervisor about Marc Ague's non-places. She said that this concept according to him is a 'site' which is physically lack of identity, neither one nor another. However, what I would like to do is to extend this objective 'non-place' to a subjective 'non-place' feeling, which refers to a sentimental carried by any individual within him/herself that motivate him/her to interpret this 'place' as 'non-place'. One problem I found here is what is the source of the subjective 'non-place' feeling? If like I will basically argue in my screening nation paper, is the temporary financial contractual relationship undermines the 'places' which makes them a 'non-place' for the users of the space. Despite that, what else? My supervisor suggested me not too much focus on the bigger picture, say the 'post-s'. Well, I'm still afraid I will lack the social background if it hangs too much in the air. We talked a lot about the undefinable places with its openness. Suddenly, a name jumped out of my mouth 'DOREEN MASSEY'. Then, the turning of the talk came. After this name, we went on the endless philosophical, anthropological, psychological talks. After I spoke of my worry of whether my dissertation would not too much cinematic but too cultural or anthropological, I definitely don't know how we came to talk about psychology, and definitely have no clue how I should mention 'LACAN'. Then, later came the enunciation, the utterance, the unconsciousness, the temporal and spatial lag in-between, (yes, 'in-between' is another term dominating our talk) that initiates the desire for the subject of enunciation to look back and generate the latter utterance. Though somehow I haven't quite yet establish this between what I am trying to say, the subjective non-place feelings, but what I am 100% sure is WHY AM I SETTING MYSELF SUCH A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!

I have to say this was a really nice talk cause when both of us expressed the feeling of being an immigrant, or to be precise and safe, a frequent traveler, this feeling of hardly belonging to a certain place, possibility to be easily affected by the new milieu, the readiness and willing to change accompanying with the resistance to change. This is the new life of flowing populations. This is the globalization for us, or at least for me.

After all, I don't want to read Lacan, Doreen Massey, Michel de Certeau, but now it seems I have to in order to graduate... My life in the next 6 months is doomed....

Three sentences - One dialogue

The other day during my space/place class, the lady asked us think of a place which I visited a long time ago, and try to describe by the smell, colors, and some decor. Immediately I thought of that place which I have in my heart somehow unconsciously as the place I would definitely long for but never will go back. Interestingly enough, now I noticed it is a 'non-place' as Marc Auge would term it, a place we share the same but temporary identity as we are in transit from a departure to an immediate future. As I was writing down the words, definitely before which I picture myself again in the place, but this time with a deliberate sense to discern or to recollect the details of the place and the hypnotic experience given out by them. And suddenly, I almost burst into tears, and I found myself invaded by the most clear and vivid memory, or rather de javu ever, as if I have leaped out my body from 'here' and 'now' back to 'there' and 'then', and relive that static historical moment in a fleeting moment. Than I was called back to the task.

She then asked us to think of one person from now who we do not have particular feelings, neither love nor disgust, and to place the one in the place we thought of before, and picture him some action, say what he is wearing, and what he is doing. I thought of you, but no, I realized it would be against the rule. So, I picture the one who looks like you, but in the same cloth you were wearing that day, the same travel bag on back, and the same gesture standing in front of the window, looking into the distance.

Then, as the instruction goes, two years passed and I return to this place. Quite unlike what the lady told us that the place has changed significantly, I confidently and firmly insisted in my description that this place doesn't change in its milieu, other than the absence of the Other. She asked us to think of a sound, belonging to the place, or better indigenous to this place, and describe its quality. Somehow, I found my description is rather tampered with my complex feelings toward this place, and confused myself with its authentic quality.

Finally, she asked us to represent this person in the place in the two years after, but rather a gesture of the one approaching me. And then a conversation takes place between us. This person asked my a question; my response to his question; and last his response to my response.
I found myself writing three lines as follow:

TOM: Are you still that crazy?
ME: Why don't you find it out yourself?
TOM: ...

Time hasn't healed me over, has it?

Time flies forward 1hour

同学，请按计划行事,，完成任务，一定的！
明日早起，必须的！
essay outline, emailS, ticket print, UoB cup, etc.

忙不完的事儿，居然时间进步一小时，25变成了23的感觉，这个世界啊...

In This World

It is a docudrama by Michael Winterbottom. I primarily watched it for the inspiration for my other essay on THE SILENCE OF LORNA. This film turns out to be really impressive and powerful in the way it draws spectators intensely on the character's fate as their bodies move through the landscape.

This can be said to be a rather simple film about two Afghan refugees originally living at the camp at Peshawar, Pakistan decide to go to London through the trade with people smugglers. On the way, one of the guys died because of illness, and the younger boy made his way to London on his own, and found a job at their compatriot's restaurant. On the other hand, this film is extremely complicated, especially in terms of it's composition. Mostly filmed with the hand-held camera, the film delivers a sense of documentary while depicting the journey life of the two diaspor-to-be. In order to cross the border and prevent being caught by the patrols, they have to hide in various kinds of trucks, some of which are for shipping fruits, some for animals, some for other goods. People are hidden in those commodities, which are produced in those poorer countries or regions to be sold and communed in a relatively wealthier countries and regions. Behind the flow of goods and money, are the flow of population. This is the very truth of demography nowadays. Once they arrive at a new stop, they only have one contact number which they can rely on in order to move further, and they have to pay to move on. Thus, the human relationship is totally reduced to a fragile and economical one, without any guarantee. As well, in order to get away with custom investigation at the border, those fled refugees have to abandon their identity at all: they have to change the currency, change their cloth, take off their caps, which are deemed to be shit, and they also have to learn some simple language, even the English is not a safe strategy. However, there is one thing they cannot abandon: their religion. The film shows the older guy takes the advantage of a street platform, and pray to the east where their God resides.

Though a docudrama most likely without the staging and much depends on the improvisation, these authentic and natural mise-en-scene renders the film a heavy tone on the immigration issue facing the world and the core-periphery relation nowadays. (The moving landscape is another element needs to be addressed)

Perhaps, it could be one of my dissertation films.

Departures

I think it should be said to be a good film, even if not an excellent one. It is a story of people fighting with dying memory, if not so much superficially dealing with death. The protagonist had a rather unhappy childhood as his father abandoned the family for another woman. His career is also not a promising or steady one. Being forced to give up the cello, he took his wife went back to the little town of his youth, and finally got a job as decorating the dead people. As the story evolve, he overcomes the disgust first felt when the job begins, and then moves to form a kinda of empathy with the dead and their families, and finally, he learns the forgiveness and went to decorate his father's dead body. In the parallel of the protagonist's mental changes, are that of his wife, and the normal conception of the job prevailed in the town. In the end, the dead of an unfaithful father is constituted by the coming of the new life.

For me, it is too well-structured, and the narrative advances in a reasonable, somehow predictable way. However, what moves me is the slow rhythm it employs to allow sufficient time for the story and changes of characters to be convincing, and the audience enough time to contemplate. In particular, the repetitive and detailed description of the decoration rituals throughout the whole film transforms it into a ritual itself. The moment when the old man presses the button to light the fire to burn the body, I crashed. It brought up the memory of my childhood when I witnessed the burning of my grandpa's body. It was the first time that death came so close to me. It was strange that the two feelings are different. At that time, I cried mostly because of the sudden loss I felt in my life, and the sadness of not seeing a close relative any more. It was much more like a feeling can be easily alienated. In comparison, this time, the push of button brought back to me a sense of desperation, a certain sense of fear, and at the same time, more closeness to a world awaiting me, as if I can almost foresee my own future, the emptiness of my bed, my room, and the ashes of my lost physicality. But above all, I felt the longing for being with my parents. Their absence, or rather my absence, will never be compensated, or made up for. It will be a loss forever.

Too much off the point.
That's it.

Stream-of-Conscioiuness (1)

终于有一天没有去一个庞大的聚会，反而回来和朋友煮煮饭，聊聊天，就两个人的感觉蛮好的。他带来好甜的巧克力，但是我们还是吃光光了，因为今天下午突然sleet，所以一切暖身的东西都百无禁忌。

突然想离开某种‘众多人注视’的眼光，安静地享受一个下午的阳光。请不要和我谈论未来，谈论电影，谈论任何人的爱情，也最好不要谈论友情，我不想被复杂的不明不白搅乱了计划的安逸。请不要模仿我发出的声响，不要质问我为什么会神经质的丈量，也不要给我滔滔不绝地灌输美国电影，更不要问我来自中国那个地方。为什么这个世界有如此多的问题，而你们认为我神秘到你们无法理解，却还要我去解决你们的疑问。朋友总是说：“You don't have to, if you don't want to.” 事实上，事情的两面不是如此简单，并非不是正就是负。在硬币的两面间有一个夹层，可以让边界模糊，让欲望喘息且从而使人迟疑犹豫。

有那么一段时间，总觉得自己应该着手做点什么，为了能更‘好’的活下去（‘好’的定义是因人而异的）。于是不停地写东西，写啊写，改啊改，终于决定在某一天停止无止尽的修改，把它交给了某个朋友，说从此以后我不再修改任何一个字，直到他让我做。（这样的计划是自己的想法，他人是不明白的）而事实上，我总是在寻找一个如此能让我停下脚步的路标，写着：“这就是你的终点站”，好让我做得一切都显得是被期待的，有目的的，最后是可以被评估的，虽然我不一定期待评估后的评语。

我其实只是想念所有对于神秘东方的想象和怀念（nostalgia）：沙漠，楼兰，阿拉，马可波罗是我对于中国的思念。

THIS thing is IMPOSSIBLE

Well, I finally realize it is impossible for every reason I can come up with! It is just out of question, not even for the similarity, but my addiction is killing me which is not I can afford.

I'm sorry Sophia, this is gonna end by yourself!

Smiley S

No subject

We have the same destiny.

You don't wan to get me crying, do you?
You bitch!

I love you.

必须的？

当我思考城市与电影的时候， 我发现: Film Festival vs. Urban Culture.
这个发现有个！！的预兆。

现状

-我想去流浪，永远的说，可以嘛？
- 钱涅？

Ghost vs. Host

The ghost is gone, leaving a lonely host echoing with melancholic air.

No matter how...never

Alone

This should be the first time since I've been in Bristol that I watched a film alone in such a small cinema with a few people only. I have to say I quite enjoyed it, and it's like no one else has the power to disturb you and control you. And the space is for me, and for me only, as long as I would love to prefer.

行city—R

去了好多天的R城，给别人说的理由和心里的理由到底有多冲突我是想不明白的也是不想明白的。生活中的目的性太强，有时候会事与愿违的。

试图实现每天看4部电影的伟大壮举，但是我还是免不了告诉自己这阳光好的让人觉得如果失去就对不起自己。这一束束的阳光骄傲地洒在大地上，我踏着自己的影子，心里想着到底是在哪里，心在哪里。

一个小时的时差也是时差，总惦记着加一个小时，也许他们还在暗房里激动地翻阅着胶片，我就这样努力地看着达利的Surrealism。走近了NAi，但只是走近了而已。不明白为什么自己没有进去，因为心里一直怀疑architecture最适合的气候是室外的新鲜空气，那museum里面会有什么了，不过是记忆里的模型吧，我想L也是不一定喜欢的（当然这只是我的臆想）。所以我选择和M去Tilted Cube。原来他的奇妙是需要我们抬头仰望，从不同角度欣赏的。同一片天空，从不同的方位，被房顶切割划分成了不同的形状，竟然也有猫咪一样的模样，L应该是会赞叹的 （当然这仍然是我的臆想）。

除此之外，我为了买到一张二手的Rainmaker差点误了自己的火车。我的身影在三天里平均每天出没在满是黑色黄色人种的唐人街上，我所有失败的企图，没有人会知道，因为他什么都看不到。我告诉自己何必呢，谁会在乎。不过一句满不尽心的谢谢而已。那天走之前告诉P君说3月份会去捷克，匈牙利，奥地利，然后再去巴黎。我给他说我会成为了波西米亚，可是这三天看见了真正的波西米亚，我还是想settle down，我没有体力支持永远的激情澎湃。只是这永远只出现一次的二手碟店在那天我放弃后就永远消失了，但是这是我试图让自己忘记的努力，MS将永远继续。

Themeless

Last night, the usual nightmare haunted me again after so many nights. I thought I have been better and the terrible feeling of being criminal in living my life is gone, but now it seems it just went for a vocation and come back again. It is me who is stuck at this place, and never leave.

Someone help me? which is always seems unrealistic and not necessary for me. I am the person who pushes people away, and how am I supposed to resort to them while they are adrift.

I just fear sleep even more. Maybe fours hours will be good for me.

p.s.: I also miss you G. Take care!

永遠年輕，永遠熱淚盈眶 From M

“找到一句可以形容自己的遭遇”

Perpetually writing an essay

I am reading you sign, God

In my culture, this isn't nothing...

我想我还是成长了一个的，对于过于伤脑筋和消耗睡眠的text analysis我是不再做了。可能是Roland Barthes拯救了我，也许是我老了，没有了精气神，在我每天只能睡5个小时的情况下。

一天变得好长，一天里相同的路数又变的重复，上帝让我看见我不能解释的现象（n.b.3 times/day）。虽然我不信上帝，但是我相信这是某种启示，我还是个聪明的孩子。

My culture taught me well.

The Last Night

I don't how I managed this, but this crazy three way conversation I cannot deal with it anymore. END !

Memory kills

Can I be forgetful in a surrealistic way?

puzzled circle

I woke up from a dream of him, but I told myself I would like to talk to...
I wasted the ticket for him two years ago, but now...
I just thought life goes in full circle.
Maybe there was a chance meeting on one night on the street in one city in my country in 2006
You will never know.

Day for Night (Ian)

Again I cannot sleep because of my lovely friend called "anxiety". I ask myself what it is about this time? The blackness answers: "why not see the light instead of puzzling your weary brain." Then I finished three movies Tom gave me.

I couldn't sleep no matter it's night or day. This fear toward darkness is overwhelming. Though I like darkness, the darkness at day is made up by myself, not created by nature, which is totally out of my control. I am sunk into it, the endless "hopeless emptiness". "Revolutionary Road" is "a childlike dream never fulfilled", but I enjoy this line, and this line only.

The world is judged by logic and rations. All creatures living in it is bound by it. That's why I'm always looking down the precipitous cliff, a place where you can fall with gravity in the last minute, but can recover from ascending against it in the next minute, though I am not sure where I should be going up to. I am not a religious person.

Day or Night doesn't make a difference to me as I can call myself "suffering from the witness of time passing by in front of my eyes relentlessly."

I am drown.

How long?

How long can I hold on like this? deceiving myself with a substitute?
Ocean's apart...